perfect starry nights. sweet dreams. moon beams. a love that's warm. and bright.

Exactly ten years ago, I experienced my first heartbreak.

I remember describing it as an 'awful kind of pain where you actually feel your heart shatter to pieces and you see every tiny bit crash down in slow motion.' From a thirteen-year-old, that was pretty articulate. Kudos to me.

I sort of expected that. Heck, I asked for it. I was a bully, I looked down on people and I spoke english (an unheard of thing in my plebeian school, haha). But I was nice to him. Okay, so maybe I made him a punching bag on most days (hey, I was apologetic about that) or teased him A LOT because he's a dork and fine, I may have made fun of him and insulted him on a regular basis, but what does he expect? How was I to know how to deal with a crush?

We were seatmates for two whole quarters. We eventually became friends as geeks of the same feather usually stayed together. Ugh. Jules Verne and science and all that nerdy stuff ahkent buhlieve I knew then. But there we were, great friends. I just wish I didn't idolize Helga Pataki so much. Too late for that.

One kris kringle in December, he received a red teddy bear (freakishly looking, too if I remember correctly) from a Secret Santa. I knew who the Secret Santa was because she was my ex-BFF. Anyway, he gave it to me as a present (cheapskate na cheapskate!). I accepted. And never in the history of teddy bears has one been so pampered.

He was sweet about it in a geeky way. And for a time, we were back to let's-go-to-school-to-terrorize-my-seatmate and we ended up pretty close. So that was us, love-hate to the core.

Eventually, we were separated, I was moved to another row perhaps because my grades were slipping or wait, that was the time the hate xaris movement was in full blow. Pretty much everyone in my class hated me. Even my then BFF turned against me and she became everyone's best friend. Because I was mean and I spoke english. But I knew he understood me.

One day, I hated my class back because ugh, I felt really bullied. No contact with any of them if classes did not require interaction. I sort of knew we were falling apart. Funnily, he and the girl grew closer. It was only natural that I take the bring-it-on response. I was meaner, nastier even, and I did it with a vengeance.

As fate would have it, we were all bored and ended up playing truth or consequence on a spare time. On a dare, I was asked to pull my crush's hair and I did. I was mean and mad and I pretty much hated everyone. I tugged on his mousy hair so tight for all the hurt they put me through. He squirmed, made faces and yelled in pain. I couldn't stop. All my anger was on his head and I can't pull away. When I was done, I did the most kontrabida thing I had ever done. I laughed.

When his turn came to answer truth or consequence, he picked truth and he was asked to tell the group whom he liked best- me or her. The dumb ass said her name out loud instantly and glared at me.

*Crash* I wasn't apologetic but I swear everyone heard my heart fall to pieces. I left the room.

That week, I wrote him a letter that said he'll never hear from me again. I gave him the (now I realize) fugly red bear with instructions on how to take care of it. And true to my word, we never spoke again.

The following June, he moved to another school while I was stuck with half a heart and another year with the class who hated me. Luckily I made other friends with whom I celebrate ten years of friendship.

There were plenty crazier things in between that day and the new school year and everyday I wished for different things. I knew I loved him (well, my diary has every page sprawled with I LOVE A messages) and I knew I was changed. My heart will never be whole again because I gave him a piece of it, and he didn't take it. He just smashed it guiltlessly.

Ten years later, my heart beats perfectly well (haha, pwera na lang pag hypertensive na, haha) but it's not whole anymore. No one recovers from heart breaks. Hearts just move on and love with everything that's left of it.

i love today.

because the air finally feels a LOT like baguio's and it's sunny outside- the perfect blend of yellows, greens and blues.

i love manila.

because it's just as full of history as any other place. and heck, i was born here. i'm manilenya to the core.

i love you.

and i can't believe you don't know it.

this week's highlights has a lot to do with hobnobbing with real, tangible people as opposed to my regular routine of maintaining cyber friends. or stalking.

from last thursday to today i finally had time to remove the huge boulder that was covering my stellar presence so that avid fans can actually see me. i almost forgot how it was like being with real people in the flesh and not through their online profiles. here i thought i was normal for being 'in the know' with everyone that matters and not living in a vacuum [there's a story here, but i'm too lazy to elaborate, so whatever]. apparently having too many online profiles kills social abilities. it's not everyday you can superpoke and throw a real sheep at someone and not get crazy stares. some things work better online, that i know now. but when it comes to up-close and personal encounters with breathing, live humans, one has to realize that it is more fulfilling than getting a fluff friend a nice new habitat [i'm sorry, facebook doesn't leave you for a while].

there are only a few instances when i like being awake more than stuck in slumber and in my hypersonic imagination. it's got to be really special like margarita/coffee nights with my high school/college barkada, baguio walks and foodie trips, or church activities. spending UBE [ultimate bonding experience] with good friends are a fool proof way to energize after a long hiatus.

i'm on the verge of being pointless so i might cut this short. funny, i had a whole blog in my head while i was commuting. maybe i had better start writing thoughts down as they come. i hate when this happens. oh rawr.

i stole this from dioney.

the rules:
1. Write something about fifteen different people.
2. You can NOT say who they are.
3. If someone asks you which one is about them, you are NOT to tell.

the twist:
if you guess which one is about/for you correctly, i just might admit to it. haha. trylaloo.

okay okay.

1. you always talk in riddles either to put me off or to avoid the question. why'd you have to make it so hard?
2. i hate being judgmental but with you, it comes naturally.
3. you always tell me i can do it but you never believe me when i tell you you can.
4. will you marry me? haha.
5. i loved you since day one.
6. i really think yours is one of the prettiest faces i've ever seen.
7. i gave up on my film-making dreams because of you.
8. i will never tell you you broke my heart when you sided with "it" out of bias. boo you.
9. don't let it get through your head, but clearly, you have to reconsider your career choice.
10. i love being mean when you are around.
11. you are living the life i want to live. i love you for not rubbing it in.
12. you can't like hanging out with them better than being with us. we've been friends forever!
13. we could have been together. why'd you have to choose the other side?
14. love doesn't always have to mean peachy or cheesy, thanks for reminding me. until next time.
15. i will treat you to coffee one of these days, just come around, so we can talk about it.

wait... there's more. haha. ang saya eh. :D
16. do you have to be so perfect?
17.  you give ____ a bad name.
18. thank you for liking me for who i am, nice or otherwise, you love me still. i miss you too!
19. i'm glad you already found the one.
20. ako na lang! haha.

guess away. clue, syempre if you are usually reading my thoughts, i have one for you in this list. if you are a lurker but you are special to me, you have one here too. and if you are ryan seacrest [hello, hello] eh it's kind of tough to identify which one's for you, diba? haha.

oh rawr. that was yesterday.
i figured i couldn't work on this tribute/psycho thing in just a week. i mean, it's four years' worth of memories, you know. i can't extract it just like that. i may have to swoon, cry, crack, laugh, stalk, sob, laugh harder and cry some more at the mere thought of those happy, happy moments. that and because i'm so busy/lazy to sit this one out for a trip down that lane.
i promise to do this real soon.
toodles!