perfect starry nights. sweet dreams. moon beams. a love that's warm. and bright.

In my current 'office' space, I have accomplished many great things.

1. Stare at the mint green wall for a good three minutes.
2. Stayed silent for fifteen minutes.
3. Stayed in my seat for an hour.

These are considered wonders, believe me. I can never focus, shut up or sit still.

The wall is very relaxing; green is very soothing. I never stay focused at one view for more than three minutes because I would either fall asleep or cry without reason. Whatever it is, I pretty much end up doing something else. You can guess my parents never punished me by asking me to stand at the corner. I would have driven them crazy.

I tried on a personal dare with myself back in college to refrain from speaking or creating any noise for 20 minutes. I failed at 14 minutes, which means I beat my own record by another minute today. It's a milestone people! I was born to make side comments. Keeping me quiet when my hyperactive thoughts run wild will cause me to burst spontaneously.


I did not sit still but I did not move away from my chair. I just swiveled to another part of the office instead of the normal standing and walking routine. So that constitutes an achievement for xaris the adhd on full moonlit nights.

***
Alice spent the erm, morning in my house after the Boy Abunda session with my now favorite UP Baguio kuyas. What, they ARE older.

We talked about certain things that are very smile-able at the thought and I can't help but think that maybe I am starting to get a life. I kinda like having friends over.

I would have disclosed super important girly talk details but I'd like to keep the thoughts to myself.

I didn't sleep well, downside is. But I had a lot of fun.

Today I'm the poster image of a working girl. I took the bus to work at about the same time half the metro is on their way to their offices. I walked down the block to where my 'new office' is, cradling my uber chic coral pink LC bag on one arm while balancing a steaming hot cup of starbucks coffee on the other.

That is what I call pretentious on all counts. I shall slave away for the next ten hours in this god-forsaken glass case while I dream of freely running down the mall or sleeping in my room or stalking in cubao x.

Times like this I wish I were driving but then going all the way from QC to Pasay does not sound appealing to me or to my weak ankles.

I swear I was born to freelance because office-work is too trivial for the likes of me. Plus I'm by myself and my only companion is iTunes plus an occasional shove from online contacts. Thank God for DSL.

I have no reason to complain because technically, I am being paid to 'tambay,' a luxury not everyone gets. LOL. According to Murphy's Law however, I am bound to find the other side of the fence greener and wish for what I cannot have. Figuring out ways of things to do is more tiring than actually doing things. I wish somebody would come in to inquire so I at least have a companion here.

I'm about done criticizing the people who pass by the office looking atrocious in their ill-fitting uniforms. Harhar. Even in boredom, I still find ways to be mean.

This is day three. I am wearing a purple mini dress paired with black slacks and a black cropped blazer. Days one and two were more 'corporate.' Day one I wore black pin-striped slacks matched with a powder blue striped button-down shirt and a black blazer. Pearls adorned the ensemble. Day two I wore a dark blue skirt on top of dark blue stockings paired with a light blue collared top and blue blazer. Ribbons and pearls were my accessories.

The goal is to never wear the same outfit twice in my two weeks' stay here. That's what I'll do; bore you with details with what I did for the day. :P

(Anonymous) (66.17.83.82) wrote:

TO ANONYMOUS:

You cannot name yourself, Scottsdale, AZ?
I was upset when I wrote this. If you had known the context behind this, you wouldn't be riding on me like that.

I am sorry you feel that way.
But my 'Christianity' is between me and God. I will get my own punishment for this but again, that's God's call.

I *might* delete the entry. But not for her or your sake.

Believe me, I am being convicted. But your comment does not help. So for your pleasure, I'm keeping it up. I'll only take it down when I want to, which was supposed to be soon, until your comment. So live with it.

May God have mercy on me. :)

From Ronalyn Tumbaga:

"Just work and have fun!Forget the past and don't ever look back.Whatever I loose,will be the lost of someone who gain what I lost,because he didn't see the real value,he didn't care at all.May he find the real happiness in exchange of this pain."

blah blah.... Whatever I LOSE, will be the LOSS of someone who GAINED (FROM) what I lost, because he didn't... blah blah blah.

For a mass communication cum laude, this one's a great big WHADAHELL.

To my ex-Manager who was never an asshole:

Yes, you heard it right, you were never an asshole.

You're only the best two-faced, lying, back-stabbing bitch. We trusted you. I even at some point wanted to learn from you.

Yes, this is immature. Yes, call it unprofessional. But pray tell, is it along the ranks of professionalism to declare a loan of a false nature, to resign under false conditions and to demean a previous employer? Can you please tell me which part of the plan PH is? Is it in pursuing higher studies, starting a business, undergoing a breast cyst operation, recuperating for six months for the said operation… make up your mind. You must really have PH wrapped 'round your bony fingers for having them fund your plans.

How can you do such a thing?

You rattle on our unprofessional ways but if professionalism is anything remotely close to what you're doing, gahd, I hope I never become one.

I hope you were not lying about the breast cyst. And benign means good, if you must know. There's no alarm in that. What, they didn't teach you what that meant? Magsisinungaling ka na lang, mag-research ka naman.

The chutzpah (look it up) you displayed is unbelievable! You should win an award for all the lies you weaved. Kung hindi mo pala kaya yung trabaho, you should have just said so. Nagdunung-dunungan ka pa kasi. And oh, the AVP you made, sige na nga, thanks for that. By the way, it's pronounced 're-naw-nd' not 're-known-ed.' Go back to grammar school.

At mukha kang pera. Yun lang. Buti na lang you resigned before I did.

I am glad I will no longer represent Josiah's. That means I can belittle you all I want. Josiah's was good to you. The Versozas treated you well. Ang kapal ng mukha mo. Maybe I'll go into a destruction plan and email hate letters to you at work. So you cry and crumble and break down to pieces. My means may be primitive but they sure are effective. Watch Gossip Girl.

Can I just say, you're a loser. I believe you know that.

I hope you suffer.

1. de-clutter my room. get rid of my brother's old stuff.
2. buy nail polish in all available colors and revive nail art-ing.
3. learn to play a musical instrument that isn't a walis tingting.
4. arrange collection of headbands, scarves, necklaces, bangles, glasses, earrings, bags, shoes and make it look like my room is one big tiangge.
5. frame pictures.

***
my life will now be a DIY project. it was like that before; i make presents and my own stuff, or at least decorate them. i'm going to be xai again! hurray. :)

1. Learn and master photoshop. Willing to pay for tutorials.
2. Work on video resume. Make a convincing script.
3. Become a vegetarian.
4. Immerse self in the arts.
5. Walk down Session road for reals.
6. Practice culinary skills.
7. Buy a sewing machine.
8. Finish 2008 scrapbook.
9. Look for a crash course in dress-making.
10. Consider applying for starbucks.
11. Drive daily. Good luck metro manila, here I come.
12. Take singing lessons.
13. Career-in ang SBCC website.

Why is it always, 'single but happy?' Why can't it be single AND happy? But is a coordinating conjunction that indicates contrast (or exception, depending on usage). Why is single and happy a contradiction?

I do not like the notion. I am a very happy kid.

***
Beyonce's super cool. She's giving out moneys to youtubers with the best rendition of her super cool single ladies dance.

There's this group of gay kids trying to win two thousand dollars by showcasing their talents for all the world to see. I don't know what to make of that. The kids are really talented and they're really young. At the risk of bigotry, I will say it: too young to be out of the closet.

***
I can't stop watching One More Chance. I dislike Bea but John Lloyd makes up for it. He is such a fine, fine actor.

***
I want coffee.

My email address is brdbrain8, created in June 2002.

Because B, R, and D were all I could ever think about. My brain is all for B, R, and D.

Later, brain8 will also stand for B(2), R(2), A, I, and N. Plus 8 other names.

These letters represent most of my crushes. Ang cool, noh?

I will tell you about B.

B is actually Brandon Boyd. In 1997, when Incubus was but an obscure band, I heard Anti-Gravity over at the only radio station I knew at the time, NU107. Then I knew they'd be playing a major role in my life. I blame Drive (though I absolutely adore that song) for their selling-out (I had issues with selling out when I was young; I didn't like to share my music) and for a time, after Drive's EP debut, I hated the thought of girls liking Incubus, which will ultimately lead to them liking Brandon Boyd.

Alas, my love for their music cannot be quenched when I suddenly found myself 'joining the bandwagon' of screaming fangirls. I hated being uso, but what can I do, with all my fifteen years, I really loved Brandon Boyd. So for the record, I wasn't into the fad, just so we're clear on that.

I became so obsessed with wanting to be Mrs. Boyd that I carried the name to college, where I suppose I can be whoever I want to be. Hehehe. I followed the band's success stories and even watched Morning View Session over and over (I wonder where my CD went) until I could draw Brandon's tattoo in his right arm, which I successfully did. I took that with me all the time in freshmen year to inspire me. I even wanted to have the artwork on my arm, sira na talaga ulo ko.

I cried when other girls pledged their love for him because I knew they liked B for superficial reasons. It's so frustrating when I can't even discuss his poetry with all the other fangirls. Oh well. I even almost had a copy of White Fluffy Clouds but my cousin forgot to buy it when he was in the States.

Today, I forget all the details I had on B, except his birthday, which I celebrate until now. All the hours spent on drooling over B is but kept away in a little drawer in my memory. I sometimes think I have outgrown him. Sometimes, I do not want to think about his band and label them most negatively only because others found out about them.

They were in the Philippines almost five years ago; I would have seen them if it weren't for NSTP. It's a long tragic story. On the Saturday after their concert, I went to (then) Westin Philippine Plaza to follow their footsteps and I cried. My parents thought I was crazy. Maybe I was. Then I gave up on liking them altogether because I was an epic failure as a fan.

Why am I writing about it now? Anti-Gravity was also called Summer Romance. It's that season again when my little drawers go a-flutter so I can get a glimpse of how it was summers past.

Aaaand I just feel like telling you about B. Then I'd go on with R and D. Teehee.

Kasi minsan nakakasawa nang yan na lang ang laging sentimyento ng mga pusong bigo.

Ako ba ang nais mong sukuban? -He would have asked.
Ako ba ang nais mong hagkan? - He would have done it.
Pag-ibig ko ba ang nais makamtan? - He would have told you.

Ikaw ay aking papayungan -That's your choice.
Sa lahat ng bagyong darating- Gudlak.
Sa iyong buhay nandito lang ako... -Hindi umuulan araw-araw. Kilala ka lang niya pag may kailangan siya sayo.

Susubukang mabihag ang puso mo- Try and try until you succeed.
Sa payong ng pagmamahal ko- Pano kung ayaw niya sumukob?
Hanggang sa mapagod ako -Try and try until you die.
Sa kakapayong...sa 'yo- Mahal ang Fibrella.

Ako ba ang sinisigaw ng damdamin?- Have you heard it?
Ako ba ay hinahanap-hanap?- Are you lost?
Hindi ko na alam kung ano ako sa 'yo- You wouldn't know that now, would you?

While it's sweet and romantic to be the go-to girl, some things just have to end. Doormats are so over-rated.

But I truly love this song. Huhuhu. Summer na, pinapayungan pa rin kita. :(

You Are Extremely Charming

When someone talks to you, they feel like they are the most interesting person in the world. And for you in that moment, they actually are. You truly care about the people you're around, and it's obvious to everyone who meets you. You are open, warm, friendly, and welcoming. You epitomize charm.

The name rolls off your tongue perfectly.
Come on, say it.

Xaris Westwick.

He's purrfect. *swoons* He has a hot accent. *swoons* He has a rock band. *swoons* He reads. *swoons* Our dads teach. *swoons* Our moms are psychologists. *swoons* He looks good in anything he wears. *swoons* He 'prides himself of being the last of the romantics.' How may guys can say that, really?

And Edward and Xaris together has a ring to it, yes?

When was the last time I wrote about love?

I cannot remember simply because I have not thought about it in a very long time. I think about Piolo and crushes but that hardly constitutes the gut-wrenching, more-than-butterfly-feeling, hard core, I-give-my-undying-devotion-to-you kind of love. The kind that cannot be described, that which not even Shakespeare can thoroughly write about.

Why do we have to single out one day, one measly 24-hour in a 365-day calendar? And for that matter, why do mortals bank on the mush and gush representation of love?

I believe every individual is entitled on how to feel and how to express love as they know it. Forgive me for wishing that we come from a single perspective in all these things. But what do I know, I have yet to fully uncover the treasures and secrets of the great four-letter word.

Pfft. Who gives a cow anyway? V-day was yesterday and I spent it with strangers loading off on free food. I still say that if we give so much effort to meet a lover's expectations on the 14th of February, we ought to think of it and accomplish it all year round.

Happy birthday Brandon Boyd! Maybe you can tell me what love is.

Spare yourself the drama, girl.

But I can't! Waaaah!

The only thing that stood in the way of me finally meeting Piolo Pascual is me! We were offered to cater for the press con of Lovers in Paris which was today. I would have rallied the management for a yes but no, I wasn't aware of the fax transmittal.

Why didn't I check the fax machine? Whyyyyyyyy?

Take the Quiz and Share Your Results!


Take the Quiz and Share Your Results!

anubayun.

I have done the tag three times already...
random 1.
random 2.
random 3.
...in variations.

Let's see how far I can stretch myself to sound interesting.

1. I can sing One Step Closer in Rockband and get 100% on the Easy Level, 97% on the Medium. I'm too much of a wimp to try Hard and Expert.

2. I have never tried smoking. Not once. Not hold a lit cigarette to my mouth, not even light one. Not even think about it. Wait, I did think about it when I was four.

3. My first doll was named Hobby. She was a rag doll with an old rose dress, mousy brown strings of hair and pink shoes. My big brother tore her up to get back at me.

4. My kuya and I almost killed each other. Seriously. But we're best friends.

5. I have only had two cell phone numbers since 1999.

6. My dream car was, is, and always will be a yellow green vintage convertible beetle.

7. I seriously believed the powers of back-masking.

8. When Magic the Gathering wasn't even popular in the Philippines, my brother and I played it. Actually, he let me hold the cards and play with himself because all my 'moves are stupid.'

9. I was in sixth grade when I decided English will be the medium of my speech.

10. My first Bible was my mom's concordance. It was falling apart but I liked it because it had pictures.

11. In my primary years (grades one through three), I was a Stanford tambay because my best friend Marie lived behind COD. The Marikina Shoe Expo was our playground.

12. I was born on a full moon.

13. Napapakilig ako at five years old ni Romnick Sarmienta at Sheryl Cruz sa Young Love Sweet Love. I met Romnick last Sunday. Same effect.

14. Oh yes, I am jologzzzz.

15. I have seen all the movies of Piolo Pascual. Even the ones I had no idea he was in. Yes, including the cameos.

16. CS Lewis is my very best friend.

17. I have been drinking coffee since I was nine. Actually, it started with mocha but that still counts as coffee.

18. I was almost not cum laude.

19. When I was younger, I can sing On My Own (Les Misrables) flawlessly. Nobody but the shower head heard it. When I performed it for classmates, it was all so random, it could be easily forgotten.

20. I'm running out of things to say.

21. I never want to break up with anyone so I'm taking my time in that aspect.

22. Just now I tried singing On My Own again.

23. I seriously believed that I will be sikat one day. Believed. Past tense. There are some things one has to outgrow.

24. I'm a star girl. Don't ask.

25. Xaris and Xai are different personas. Xaris is the evil twin.

That wasn't so bad.
Tag, you're it. Leave a comment or else.

Exactly ten years ago, I experienced my first heartbreak.

I remember describing it as an 'awful kind of pain where you actually feel your heart shatter to pieces and you see every tiny bit crash down in slow motion.' From a thirteen-year-old, that was pretty articulate. Kudos to me.

I sort of expected that. Heck, I asked for it. I was a bully, I looked down on people and I spoke english (an unheard of thing in my plebeian school, haha). But I was nice to him. Okay, so maybe I made him a punching bag on most days (hey, I was apologetic about that) or teased him A LOT because he's a dork and fine, I may have made fun of him and insulted him on a regular basis, but what does he expect? How was I to know how to deal with a crush?

We were seatmates for two whole quarters. We eventually became friends as geeks of the same feather usually stayed together. Ugh. Jules Verne and science and all that nerdy stuff ahkent buhlieve I knew then. But there we were, great friends. I just wish I didn't idolize Helga Pataki so much. Too late for that.

One kris kringle in December, he received a red teddy bear (freakishly looking, too if I remember correctly) from a Secret Santa. I knew who the Secret Santa was because she was my ex-BFF. Anyway, he gave it to me as a present (cheapskate na cheapskate!). I accepted. And never in the history of teddy bears has one been so pampered.

He was sweet about it in a geeky way. And for a time, we were back to let's-go-to-school-to-terrorize-my-seatmate and we ended up pretty close. So that was us, love-hate to the core.

Eventually, we were separated, I was moved to another row perhaps because my grades were slipping or wait, that was the time the hate xaris movement was in full blow. Pretty much everyone in my class hated me. Even my then BFF turned against me and she became everyone's best friend. Because I was mean and I spoke english. But I knew he understood me.

One day, I hated my class back because ugh, I felt really bullied. No contact with any of them if classes did not require interaction. I sort of knew we were falling apart. Funnily, he and the girl grew closer. It was only natural that I take the bring-it-on response. I was meaner, nastier even, and I did it with a vengeance.

As fate would have it, we were all bored and ended up playing truth or consequence on a spare time. On a dare, I was asked to pull my crush's hair and I did. I was mean and mad and I pretty much hated everyone. I tugged on his mousy hair so tight for all the hurt they put me through. He squirmed, made faces and yelled in pain. I couldn't stop. All my anger was on his head and I can't pull away. When I was done, I did the most kontrabida thing I had ever done. I laughed.

When his turn came to answer truth or consequence, he picked truth and he was asked to tell the group whom he liked best- me or her. The dumb ass said her name out loud instantly and glared at me.

*Crash* I wasn't apologetic but I swear everyone heard my heart fall to pieces. I left the room.

That week, I wrote him a letter that said he'll never hear from me again. I gave him the (now I realize) fugly red bear with instructions on how to take care of it. And true to my word, we never spoke again.

The following June, he moved to another school while I was stuck with half a heart and another year with the class who hated me. Luckily I made other friends with whom I celebrate ten years of friendship.

There were plenty crazier things in between that day and the new school year and everyday I wished for different things. I knew I loved him (well, my diary has every page sprawled with I LOVE A messages) and I knew I was changed. My heart will never be whole again because I gave him a piece of it, and he didn't take it. He just smashed it guiltlessly.

Ten years later, my heart beats perfectly well (haha, pwera na lang pag hypertensive na, haha) but it's not whole anymore. No one recovers from heart breaks. Hearts just move on and love with everything that's left of it.

If there's anything I don't judge by the cover, it's books. (I know, weird, right?) I read most anything. From the kinds that fall apart to newly printed ones.

Sorry it took so long, Corrina (sp?) and Kathrina.

These are the books on my bedside in the meantime. Meaning they change book cases every now and then.

Word of warning: the bottom book is for contention but truth be told, I'm a fanpire. So sue me.
Twilight, Stephenie Meyer
Where: Fully Booked, Gateway
Why:  It has long been on my must-read list (2006?) until I acquired a copy just a few months before the fad was full-blown (I had to mention that. To my defense, it was purely literally reasons that drove me to purchase my very own copy).
Although I slept in between parts and skipped some, being acquainted with the idea of perfect, yes, Edward Cullen, has been the best pick-me-upper i have had in months.
Price: P349.00

Moments with the Savior, Ken Gire
Where: OMF Lit, Boni
Why: This has got to be the best devotional series I've ever had! My mother actually recommended that for me when I lived in Baguio in 2006. The gospels were presented in a narrative, which allowed me a vivid picture of Christ's life on earth.
Price: discounted since my mom worked in OMF

Stardust, Neil Gaiman
Where: Fully Booked, Serendra (or was it Boni High Street)
Why: After meeting Happyslip, I thought it would be great to have something to remember the day by. So I bought my own copy of Stardust. I was so happy that day that the first thing that came to mind was one of my other happy days when I watched Stardust in the theater.
Price: P695.00 (?) Ima go for look for the receipt in one of my scrapbooks.

A Swiftly Tilting Planet, Madeleine L'engle
Where: Ate Dee in Book Sale
Why: I re-read the series and this particular book stayed on my bedside for weeks on end. I love reading it over and over. My former dorm mate Ate Dee gave it to me on the last day of 2008. Okay, I didn't buy it but I begged for it, does that count?
Price: Love and Davao air tickets. :P

The Holy Bible, God
Where: (I'm cheating on this one) NBS, OMF Lit, Hillsong Australia, and PBS (going up in that order)
Why: Becasue I love the word of God. And no, these were gifts to me, I haven't bought a Bible for myself come to think of it, so it doesn't really follow the instructions. Hehe. But I love my Bibles. <3 Most of all, I love what's in it and I love the Author.
Price: priceless. Or ask Zondervan, haha. :D

Oh don't worry, these are not staples. Sometimes, I even have sweet dreams and sweet valley twins on that table. Well, except for the Bible.

So yey. Tagging everyone else who loves books.

Love Me Again is contrived, predictable, and advocative (a word I invented to mean taking on an advocacy sort of thing). Buti na lang si Piolo ang bida.

I watched it alone because I don't have friends who'd spend good money watching Piolo on the big screen. And because I'm a loser like that. Hahaha.

May cowboy pala sa Pilipinas? Ah.

Aside from the Piolo factor, I spent the evening alone because I need to think some things through. The list includes my work, my workmates, my family ife and life in general. Naiisip ko lang na napakahirap maging Christian sa isang fallen world. Minsan, ayaw ko na lang sabihin na Christian ako para hindi ko kailangang magpakabait. Sanguine talaga eh, sorry.

Hindi ko na tuloy alam ang sasabihin ko.